i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
