im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
