love makes seman taste better
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
