i don't like sucking hair
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
