so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
