I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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