You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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