So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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