So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
