the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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