I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It's official drugs can't kill me
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
