Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
