i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
All the doctor said was why
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
