ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
