I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
