i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
