So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The power of my boobs compel you
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
