after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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