its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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