Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
