i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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