You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My liver just had a heart attack.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
