Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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