I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
