You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
