If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
