either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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