He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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