I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
