mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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