I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
