I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
