good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
