Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
