My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
