Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
