I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
