i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
