I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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