I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
