If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
