I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
