Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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