We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
