I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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