We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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