john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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