You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
