Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
