I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
