I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
