Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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