i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
